AUDITION SIDES:

DR EMMETT: Jeffrey sees only what he wants to see—an excuse for not facing the future. Does Florence see that her child was taken from her? Does Fairy see what the mirror should tell her? No. They’ve found refuge in an egg-shell world where you don’t belong. For you see yourself clearly, I’m sure. You belong in the world you can best serve. The impulse to live your life with courage was right. Go ahead with your Memorial. And don’t be betrayed by the illusion of contentment. The door is open for you. Make your peace with loneliness.

TITUS/LILY BELLE/SAMUEL: She planned on using this Memorial fund to give away the entire Savage estate. The newspapers called it her happiness fund. She’s always given money to foolish causes. There was an Italian farmer who wanted a box of soil from Italy. Just dirt! Mother spent two hundred dollars to get it for her. And there was a flower peddler who asked for a tombstone for his horse. He got it. After Father died, this obsession got progressively worse. Last summer she chartered a ship to send a thousand children around the world. She said they ought to go around the world while there was still a world around.

HANNIBAL: Fairy knows that I used to be a statistician. My last position was with the government, charting trends. I was supposed to keep my finger on the pulse of the public and my ear to the ground. It was a very vulnerable position. I was fired and replaced by an electronic calculator. I don’t hate electricity like Mrs. Paddy—but I did want to make money with my brains. So, I spent the next two years trying to think of something that could be made for a dime—sold for a dollar—and was habit-forming. I’m afraid my education was wasted.

JEFF: Can you keep a secret? Dr. Emmett is not a doctor at all. He’s a patient -- just like Ms. Paddy. For five years now he’s promised to give me a new face. Do you believe a man is what is he claims to be? It’s best to believe the worst of people. If you believe the worst, then the worst is only half bad at best. And the best is no worst than expected. So it’s best to believe the worst. It’s simple. When a man says he is wise, you say he is a fool. But if he’s a fool, you believe him. Dr. Emmett is a fool. He claims he’s a doctor. The war was over five years ago – and where’s his miracle?

MRS. SAVAGE: Oh, I’ve never had a better time in my life. The ​Times s​ aid my play set the theatre back fifty years. It couldn’t possibly— because I stole the plot from “Madame X,” and that’s only forty years old. But the Wall Street Journal ​was wonderful. It said I brought something new to the theatre. It said I had a “tenacious mediocrity unhampered by taste.” It was perfect. In our ads we simply said “Tenacious” and “Unhampered.” We’d have been running yet if my daughter hadn’t come home and stopped me. Oh, I know I was bad and audiences only came to laugh at me. But we both had a good time. What more can you ask? I do miss it. Oh, well. My turn is coming.

FAIRY MAY: I’m sorry, Florence. I was watching the fireflies. What did you say? I wish I’d been born a cat so I could see in the dark. I wonder what she’s like? Miss Willie says they are one of the wealthiest families in America. Please don’t play gypsy music, Hannibal it frightens me. Terrifies me. I was stolen by gypsies when I was a child and rescued just as they were about to dye my skin with walnut juice. Well, I was. I hope she likes music. Maybe she plays some instrument herself. The harp! Oh - I hope she plays the harp! I was raised on a harp. My father (raises hands harpist-fashion) like an angel!

MISS WILLIE: I have something to give you too. It’s your bonds. Except for the corner of one that I had to burn with the newspapers to look convincing. I stole them when the lights went out. What bothers me is that after I took them, I toyed with the idea of keeping them. But I stopped because of what Jeff might think. But, you knew Jeff was my husband, didn’t you? Well, he is. I want to be here when he recovers. And do you know why I wouldn’t keep any of that money? Pure selfishness. I want to do everything for him myself. Surely you understand that?

FLORENCE: Oh, Fairy, don’t peek. It’s so degrading to get on your knees. This is the last time I’m going to be a party to peeking, Fairy. Kneeling simply ruins my nylons. Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. You must be Mrs. Savage. I’m Florence Williams. We’ve been expecting you all afternoon. We’re so glad to have you with us. May I introduce Fairy May? And this is Hannibal. And this is our Mrs. Paddy. And, well he was here a few moments ago. John Thomas! John Thomas! Oh, look! Asleep on the floor. My husband warned me I’d be a bad mother. Mrs. Savage, this is my son.

MRS. PADDY: I hate everything in the world, but most of all I hate cold cream, hot dogs, codfish, crawfish, catnip, sheepdip, sawdust, subways, skewers, buttermilk, caterpillars, frictions, fractions, pins, puns, pens, policemen, and electricity.

The Curious Savage

Act I, Scene 1:

The Curious Savage takes place in 1950 in the living-room of The Cloisters, a sanitarium located in Massachusetts. We are introduced to five inmates at this facility: Florence, Hannibal, Fairy May, Jeff, and Mrs. Paddy. They all have various idiosyncrasies and quirks, and they seem to have unconventional outlooks on life. They are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Mrs. Savage, who is soon to become the newest member of their ward. Miss Wilhelmina (Miss Willie), the compassionate nurse of The Cloisters, enters the living-room and advises the inmates to tidy up the room before Mrs. Savage arrives. They decide to hide while Mrs. Savage and her family enter.

Dr. Emmett, the doctor at The Cloisters, enters with Mrs. Savage’s three stepchildren: Titus (a pompous senator), Lily Belle (a stuck-up snob), and Samuel (a Judge & an awkward follower). The three Savages are very aristocratic and pretentious, and they are not interested in the welfare of their stepmother. We learn that Mrs. Savage has organized a “Happiness Fund” to realize the foolish dreams of various people. Her stepchildren feel that she is wasting their family fortune, and they have thus committed her to The Cloisters.

Ethel Savage, a kind and eccentric woman, enters. She wears a feathered hat, has blue-tinted hair, and carries around a teddy bear with her. She is not fond of her stepchildren, and she refuses to say goodbye to them before they leave. She is left alone onstage for the first time, and the reality of her situation finally hits her as she becomes aware of her confinement.

After a quick conversation between Mrs. Savage and Miss Willie, the five inmates enter and introduce themselves. Mrs. Savage recognizes that each one has a specific quirk, and yet she still seems accepting and understanding. Once the five other inmates go off to bed, Miss Willie enters. Mrs. Savage explains that, since her husband died, she has tried to pursue all of her wildest dreams, and she declares that she does not belong in The Cloisters.

Act I, Scene 2:

The next morning, Mrs. Savage becomes closer with the residents. When they leave, Miss Willie enters. Mrs. Savage expresses her desire to break out of The Cloisters, and she offers Miss Willie a bribe of fifty thousand dollars. However, Miss Willie refuses to accept this offer. Mrs. Savage responds by saying that she will find a way to escape from the sanitarium, with or without Miss Willie’s help.

After Mrs. Savage leaves, Dr. Emmett enters with a copy of the day’s newspaper, which contains an article explaining that Mrs. Savage has inherited ten million dollars from her husband’s death. No one, with the possible exception of Mrs. Savage, knows what has happened to the money. Mrs. Savage enters and claims to have hidden the money in half-million dollar negotiable bonds. Dr. Emmett says that he has talked to Mrs. Savage’s stepchildren, who were outraged to learn that they have no control over their family’s estate. Dr. Emmett informs Mrs. Savage that she can expect her stepchildren to arrive that night.

As Hannibal enters and plays “The Flight of the Bumble Bee,” Mrs. Savage explains how fitting the song really is. “Could anything be more appropriate—the bees come home and find the honey gone!” she muses. “Someone is going to be stung!”

Act II, Scene 1:

That night, the six residents are in the living-room, relaxing. It is clear that Mrs. Savage is becoming more accustomed to The Cloisters and its guests. Miss Willie announces that Mrs. Savage’s stepchildren have arrived, and the residents leave the living-room.

Lily Belle, Samuel, and Titus arrive, clearly angered by their stepmother’s decision to hide their father’s money. They try to convince her to reveal where she has hidden the money, but she refuses. Before they leave, Mrs. Savage secretly talks to each one individually, telling each stepchild the supposed whereabouts of the money. Each location is bizarre and is clearly not meant to be visited by the public. The three stepchildren leave hurriedly, each one assuming s/he is about to find the bonds.

However, once they leave and the inmates enter the living-room, Mrs. Savage reveals that none of the three locations she told to her stepchildren is really where she has hidden the bonds. She knows her stepchildren will look where she told them, because they will do anything for the money they think they deserve.

Act II, Scene 2:

A few nights later, the residents are relaxing once again. Dr. Emmett enters with different newspapers containing articles describing what has happened to each stepchild: they were injured, arrested, and publicly mortified.

The stepchildren arrive, furious at their stepmother for setting them up for humiliation. Mrs. Savage still refuses to reveal the location of the hidden bonds, much to her stepchildren’s dismay. Lily Belle comes up with the idea to administer a dose of Sodium Pentothal (“truth serum”) to Mrs. Savage in order to force her to disclose the location of the bonds. However, Mrs. Savage refuses to be subjected to such a drug, and she decides to surrender the location of the money. Suddenly, the residents run onstage, trying to stop Mrs. Savage, but their efforts are futile.

She lifts up her teddy bear, takes off its head, and shows that the bonds lie within. She takes the packet of bonds and throws it onto the table. Just as the stepchildren dash for the bonds, the stage is thrown into darkness by Mrs. Paddy at the light switch (due to her hatred of electricity). Chaos ensues, as no one knows what is happening.

When the lights turn back on, it is discovered that the bonds, and Mrs. Paddy, are missing. The stepchildren start panicking, unsure of where the money has gone. As Miss Willie is sent to find Mrs. Paddy, whom everyone assumes has taken the bonds, Titus exclaims, “Why, this is simply a madhouse!”

Act III:

A few minutes later, the staff at The Cloisters is still trying to track down Mrs. Paddy. Finally, she is found and brought into the living-room. However, she refuses to admit whether she has stolen the bonds or not, frustrating the stepchildren.

Finally, Fairy comes running in, claiming that there is a fire upstairs, but no one believes her. As everyone continues bickering, Miss Willie announces that there has indeed been a fire and that all of the bonds have been burnt. The stepchildren depart from The Cloisters, shocked and upset.

Dr. Emmett tells Mrs. Savage that she is free to leave the sanitarium, as he no longer sees any reason for her to stay. The residents throw together going-away gifts for her. Each one finds something personal to give to Mrs. Savage, and she is very grateful. Finally, Miss Willie enters and reveals that she in fact stole the bonds when the lights were out and that they were not really burnt in the fire; she gives the bonds to Mrs. Savage as a goodbye gift. We then discover that Miss Willie, who has been flirting with Jeff throughout the entire show, is actually married to him and that his past trauma has led him to forget.

Mrs. Savage realizes that she no longer wants to leave The Cloisters. However, Dr. Emmett advises her that this is not a wise choice, for she sees herself clearly while the other inmates have false perceptions of themselves and of the world around them. She understands and realizes that she does in fact belong in the outside world.

Before Mrs. Savage leaves the sanitarium, she looks back at the residents, seeing them how they view themselves and how she will remember them. She throws a kiss to them and slowly walks out the door with a newfound understanding of herself and of the world around her.